Acceptance

The card that was pulled for this month is Acceptance. Understanding the deeper energy of Acceptance is powerful. In its truest spiritual sense, it means being open to “what is.” It doesn’t mean that you need to put up with things that don’t work for you. It doesn’t mean that you can’t stand up and fight like hell for something that you believe in. You can.

However, there are some things that can’t be changed, no matter how hard you try. And to continue to fight against the current is exhausting. Sometimes just trusting your intuition and accepting “what is” and going with the flow can open doors of grace in your life.

Here’s an example from my life that gives credence to the power of acceptance.

“Your mother is crazy!!!” yelled the boy next door. I was nine years old and ready to charge at him and punch him in the nose. How dare he say that about my mother!

However, he wasn’t the only one that said that. And, in truth . . . my mother was crazy. She had been diagnosed as being paranoid schizophrenic and had been in and out of mental institutions. It was humiliating and sometimes terrifying living with my mother who – because of her disease – was often violent, but also irrational. Like the days when she paced back and forth in front of our home with a large sign that said, “I know that we are being watched.” I think everyone in our small town saw her doing that.

Growing up, I had managed to suppress a lot of stuff that had occurred as a result of living with my mentally ill mother and my abusive father. I hid behind a veneer of being always nice. (I got voted “nicest” in high school. You have to give up a lot to always be “nice.”)

I was so relieved to finally leave home. However, even though I was able to get away from the violence and the craziness of my childhood, I continued to harbor a secret fear. I knew that schizophrenia was genetic and I was terrified that I either was (or would become) “crazy” like my mother.

I thought I was doing a pretty good job of not letting my past bother me, until one day I walked over to the wall in my bedroom and began banging my head, as hard as I could, again and again. It really hurt. (I’m glad that wall wasn’t concrete.) It was seemed that all the years of suppressed trauma came to the surface at once.

It felt like I was outside of my body, watching myself do this. I thought, “Well this is it. I am crazy. I guess now I will be put into a mental hospital like my mother.”

Then something amazing happened. A voice inside of me arose and said “Yup, Denise! You ARE crazy. But you are also so much more. Craziness is just one part of you. Instead of spending your valuable, life-force energy resisting it … be willing to BE crazy. Step into it, not away from it. It’s all okay.”

A gale force wind of utter acceptance roared through me. I had spent so much of my life resisting being mentally ill that just simply embracing it, made me feel like the thick protective walls around me had come tumbling down. I remember thinking, “Yup, I am crazy… and it’s okay. I’m going to ride this river wherever it takes me. I’m ready for the ride.”

In the moment when I totally, unconditionally accepted being crazy, I stopped banging my head. A new sense of peace and self-awareness filled me, which continues to this day. I don’t know what the future will bring. There might be a day when I become mentally ill, but if it comes it’s okay. I’m not afraid of it. I’m not resisting it. I accept my life in all of its forms. And I’m happier as a result.

If I could go back in time to that boy next door (with my current understanding of acceptance) and he yelled that I had a crazy mom, I’d gently answer, “You’re right…she is crazy. That’s true. And it’s okay.” And I would smile kindly and wish him well.

Sending blessings and love your way,